Charlie's Lament
by Cap'nFrances
Summary: Missing scene for "The Expanse." Charlie Tucker hopes to repair the damage he's done. (This is a companion piece to "Light a Single Candle", but it isn't necessary to read that first.")
**Disclaimer** : I do not own Star Trek Enterprise or its characters. No profit was made or will be made from the creation of this work.

"Charlie, what in God's name are you doing?" Kathy Tucker leaned over the kitchen table where her husband was working.

"I'm writing that letter to Trip." He threw another crumpled piece of paper into the overflowing wastebasket.

"Do you know what time it is? We have to leave in less than an hour."

"I know. I know." He shook his head. "I'm writing as fast as I can, but I'm not any good at this."

"Why are you writing on paper?"

"My mama always said using a pen and paper helped her think better. I figure I need all the help I can get. Once I'm done, I'll put in on a PADD."

"OK, I'm going upstairs to take a shower and get dressed. You better have it done by the time I come back." She paused and took a deep breath. "I know you want to reach him as much as I do. I'm just afraid it's already too late."

He nodded. "I know. We'll just do the best we can and pray it's enough."

He turned back to his work. He had never been good with words. Things had been so much simpler when he could make everything better for his kids by fixing a broken toy. Now words were his only hope of fixing what he had broken. He stared at yet another blank page. It seemed to be taunting him. He picked up the pen and began to write.

* * *

Dear Trip,

I wouldn't blame you if you throw this in the trash without reading it, but I hope and pray for your Mama's sake that you'll hear me out. I know I don't have any right to ask that after what I did, but you've always been a generous boy. Please read this and think about it. Then, if you never speak to me again, I'll understand.

Losing Lizzie in that attack was devastating. I feel so guilty. If we hadn't asked her to house-sit, she wouldn't have been anywhere near there. Your mama and I were in New Orleans celebrating our wedding anniversary when those Xindi attacked. We didn't know if Lizzie was dead or alive. We did everything we could to find her, but finally, we knew she was gone. I felt so helpless. That grief and guilt and helplessness were more than I could take, but that's no excuse for what I did.

I went a little crazy and started drinking again. That was the second biggest mistake of my life, and I knew better than to make it. The more I drank, the worse things got. I don't know why your Mama didn't throw me out. I was so furious at the bastards who killed Lizzie. Nameless, faceless bastards. Even after they said it was the Xindi, no one knew who they were or why they did it or what they were going to do next.

I started listening to a crazy old drunk in the bar I went to near your Aunt Theresa's house. He kept railing on against Starfleet, saying the trouble was all their fault, if they'd never started exploring, the attack would never have happened. At first, I told him he was full of sh**, but I kept going back night after night. I began to wonder. It was so much easier to be angry at something I knew, something I could see. I started to rail at the government and at the Admirals who brought all the trouble down on us. After a while, it wasn't just the Admirals and the government. It was everyone in Starfleet, even you and Jon.

When you called, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was blind drunk. I don't know how I made it back from the bar or how I was awake enough to grab the phone from your Mama. I don't remember anything I said or did that night, but I know your Mama would never lie about something like that. Well, maybe she'd sugarcoat it a little. I'm so ashamed of what I did that I can barely talk about it, but I know I have to. I was crazy drunk, but that's no excuse. I blamed you for something terrible that was in no way your fault. To make it worse, I told you that you should have died, that you were no longer my son, and to never contact us again. I would give anything to take that back and to be the father I should have been.

The attack wasn't your fault or Jon's fault or Starfleet's fault. The guilt lies with the Xindi, pure and simple. And the guilt lies with me, for hurting you when you were already in so much pain because of Lizzie. You're my son, and nothing can ever change that.

Now you're on your way to find the Xindi and stop them before they can kill millions more innocent people. I can't tell you how proud I am of you or how much I love you. The only good to come out of all this is that somehow I've helped to raise a man who can do that. A better man. A stronger man than me.

I hope this reaches you before Enterprise is out of communications range. I know it's gonna be close. I pray that you'll stop the Xindi and that God will bring you all safely through this. And I pray that someday you'll be able to forgive me, and you'll come home.

Your Mama read me the riot act for what I did. She took me to the doctor and got me sobered up and on some medicine. We're seeing her new pastor, Father O'Shaughnessy, for counseling. All this has been hard on her, but she's strong, and he's been helping her a lot. Don't worry about her. Now that I've gotten my head outta my a**, I'll take good care of her.

I've got to get this finished up so we can take it to him. He knows a chaplain at Starfleet, who will try to get it to you.

Take good care of yourself and come home to us. God bless you all.

Love always,

Dad

* * *

He turned and placed the letter in the scanner. The tightness in his chest that had been there for days began to ease.

The scanner chimed to let him know the transfer to his PADD was complete. He looked up and saw Kathy coming down the stairs. He smiled. _Thank God, she's still with me through all of this._ He rose and went with her to send their hope on its way to the stars.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Many thanks to my wonderful betas, EntAllat and Shan Jeniah. Reviews would be very much appreciated.


End file.
